


When we were young

by okleybokley



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Character Death, Child Abuse, Gen, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-13 14:07:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29154795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okleybokley/pseuds/okleybokley
Summary: "what would you do if i disappeared?""i wouldn't do anything. i would just continue on, that's what everyone has to do eventually."in which yamaguchi tadashi wants to disappear and he tries to find one reason to stay.
Relationships: Kageyama Tobio & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Terushima Yuuji & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 5
Kudos: 26





	1. space

**Author's Note:**

> metro boomin make it boom >:(

"Tadashi don't you love me?"

"Tadashi, would you do anything for me?"

"Tadashi, you don't love me, do you?"

Tadashi had grown to hate the own sound of his own name.

At a young age, Tadashi learned that everyone was a liar. No one kept their word and nobody ever meant well. But the biggest liar he knew was himself. The one who kept telling himself that she just meant well. She in fact, did not mean well, and Tadashi spent sixteen years of his life being abused by the woman he thought that he could trust.

...

Yamaguchi Tadashi was very aware that no one else's mother treated him the way that she did. He was very aware that what she was doing was illegal. And he yet he still kept his mouth shut and his head down. He still listened to everything she said to him. For he was just an twelve year old boy, who didn't know better that what he was taught in school.

Every single week he would come in to school with a new set of bruises along the left side of his back, and he was just thankful enough that his mother had the common sense not to display them for the whole school to see her abusive antics. They hurt, but Tadashi had learned to just get used to it. He thought that if he let himself be his mother's personal punching bag she would let out all her anger and go back to the way she used to be.

He was wrong, and he was stupid for letting himself think that if he were to let his mother stomp all over him, she would get better.

The boy convinced himself he was doing it for the great or good, but there was no good and no one was coming to save him from the grave he was digging himself.

Tadashi never had anyone over to his house. He could never play outside like the rest of the kids in his neighborhood. His mother didn't allow anything of the sort.

"What more do you need than me? Am I not enough Tadashi?" is what she would say. It would end in her screaming at him for being ungrateful or her beating him with a shoe across his back until it left a purplish brown bruise.

He was always alone, but a a part of him didn't mind that. He wanted someone who knew him very well and could share the same interests as him. And what better person fills that roll other than himself?

So while the other children played on the playground equipment during recess, Tadashi would read old Japanese fairy tales under the Sakura tree in the field. Usually there was nobody there so Tadashi would be able to peacefully imagine himself in those fairytales. It was his way to escape from what happened at home and he wished he could just disappear into the world of adventures and magic.

Tadashi knew how cliche that seemed but the idea of being able to do whatever you wanted in a fairytale seemed to entice him even more.

Tadashi was a very nice boy. He was quiet but very considerate. His freckles on his face made him give off a soft and nice look and did compliment his slightly tanned skin. The freckled boy had the potential to make friends, but he had the idea in his head that people will just let you down like him mother once did and how she will continue to do.

He thought everyone was a liar and no one ever said what they meant. And he was right, because it seemed to be as if everyone around him wore a mask and he could see right through them. He decided that it was useless to become close with anybody because in twenty years, you wouldn't even remember what they looked like or what their name was.

So as per usual when the bell rang declaring that it was time for recess, Tadashi made his way over to the Sakura tree. He sat against the stump and opened the book he had just gotten from the school library. This one was about three lost boys who ran away from their home is Takayama, Japan. Tadashi had found himself reading a lot about people escaping from their homes. Maybe it was because they had the guts to do what he has always dreamed of.

'But i love my mother. She wants the best for me, as I do for her' he would tell himself. But he knew he was lying straight through his teeth.

Ten minutes into recess he was flipping page after page, the anticipation just growing even more. It was quiet around the Sakura Tree, wind blowing a few times causing some flowers to fall off of the tree and fly along with the wind. Kids laughs and yells were heard around in the distance and deep down, Tadashi wanted to be apart of that as well.

But people will only disappoint you. There was absolutely no point in getting close with them.

"Hi!" a loud and high pitched voice yelled out. Tadashi jumped and looked up from his book. Something told him that he was getting to the good part of his story so he was quite annoyed at the minor inconvenience. The boy looked up to see a girl with dark brown hair and brown eyes peered down in front of him.

She looked very excited for some odd reason, as if she was excited to talk to a boy who did nothing but read in his spare time.

Tadashi looked at her but didn't say anything as he set his book on top of his lap. The girl looked to be examining Tadashi's face, her pupils moving all over and her eyes squinting occasionally. Tadashi was visibly uncomfortable, but it was either she didn't realize or she didn't care.

The boy hoped that if he didn't say anything she would leave, so he kept silent. She didn't though and continued to look at him. The girl looked like she was taking everyone one of his (not many) features into consideration. Although there was not much to consider.

After a gruesome and awkward ten second she flashed Tadashi a smile as she sat on the back of her heels on the grass. She looked way too eager.

"Oh! I've read that book before! It's super good." She said as her expression brightened even more than it was before. Tadashi gave her a questioning look then hummed. He doubted she had read it before. He found the book at the back of the fantasy section in the library and it looked like no one had even bothered to touch it forever.

Tadashi wanted to ask her why she was talking to him but he also had some self respect, so he didn't. He just silently hoped that she would go away.

But she didn't.

"I'm Nakano Akari!" she said with great enthusiasm. To be quite honest, Tadashi did not care who she was. He didn't want to talk to her at all. Tadashi blinked at her a few times then proceeded to pick up the book he was reading prior to the interruption and continue where he left.

He could feel the pout Akari was wearing but ignored it. He probably will forget what she looked like tomorrow, her name along with it.

Akari stood up and sat beside Tadashi. Oh, how badly the boy wanted to get up and leave her presence. But he didn't.

"Hm, I know your not mean. You just want me to leave, don't you?" She asked as she inched closer to Tadashi's cheek. The freckled boy absolutely hated it when he came in close contact with someone. It reminded of his mother and how she inched closed to his face when she was about to hit him. He tried not to get agitated and kept his composure.

Tadashi asked himself this: "if she could read the room, why wouldn't she leave the room?"

"C'mon don't ignore me! The proper way to start a conversation with someone is to give them a nice greeting and introduce yourself!" she said, almost proud of herself for remembering it. "Or at least that's what Oka-san said, I think." she proclaims as she puts her pointer finger on her chin as if she were in deep thought.

Tadashi wanted to laugh. He thought it was hilarious that this girl who he barely knew was giving him information on what her mother was telling her. Tadashi figured that she earned some pints in th social skills department and decided to throw her a bone.

"Hi. I'm-"

"Tadashi Yamaguchi, I know!" She says with a bright smile on her face. Tadashi's eyes never left his book but he furrowed his brows at her previous statement. Akari must have read his current face of confusion.

"A _lot_ of the girls talk about you," she said with a huff at the end of her sentence.

Tadashi didn't even realized people even knew he existed, let alone talk about him. He didn't really want to know what they were talking about thought. He focused on the huff at the of Akari's sentenced. He figured she was either:

a. an attention seeker

or

b. a lesbian

"They think your pretty cute, you know? At least that's what I hear," Akari says as she looks up towards the branches of the large Sakura tree.

"I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. So I came to look for myself! And you are pretty adorable!" Akari exclaimed with a smile as she looked towards Tadashi. The boy looked at her but didn't blush as she expected. He wore the most disinterested face she had ever seen in her whole entire life!

"Ah, but you've got a pretty shit personality, Tada-chan!" She laughed. Tadashi didn't know what to think about first. The fact that she said he had a shit personality or the fact that she used his first name so casually. And even shortened it without even knowing him for more than two minutes.

"Hm, maybe you are a lesbian." he thought out loud and turned back to his book.

Akari laughed harder than she needed to and sighed as she dug her fingers into the grass.

"Hm, I guess we'll never know." Akari smiled to herself as she watched all the other children play soccer around the field.

The two of them had more things in common then they had thought.

The two of them had more in common than Tadashi had come to think of. Both of them were always in a constant chamber of reflection. And all they wanted to do was escape.

.

.

As Tadashi walked the squishing of wet grass underneath him was loud. The black umbrella he was holding above him had a broken piece to it but he still kept it after all these years. As he approached his destination he gripped the plastic wrap around the flower he was holding.

He came to a halt a few minutes later and placed the flowers down on the ground. Everytime he had been there he found himself reading over the writing on the stone to let it sink in. But it never did. It seemed to surreal. Tadashi looked down at the Larkspur flowers on the ground. _They were always her favourite_. Tadashi smiled to himself, then turned to walk away.

_Here lies Akari Nakano. May her beautiful soul rest in peace. February 14th 1996 - April 19th 2012_


	2. Chapter 2 | Reach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But Tadashi had not managed to catch something that would have been quite eye catching to anyone else. Akari had Heterochromia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter we learn just a little bit more about the living walking goddess herself, Akari Nakano.

Akari Nakano was a peculiar girl.

She picked out all the onions in the salads her mother packed for her.

She never payed attention in class, yet her grades were always in tip top shape.

Akari hung out with a lot of the girls from her homeroom class and always sat with them during lunch. 

To first glance she would look like any other girl. 

And maybe she was. 

Akari hadn't come to pester Tadashi again and Tadashi had felt a certain feeling of relaxation. Still he thought that Akari wasn't the worst around. She was just around tolerable. 

Days went on and weeks went by but still, Akari hadn't come to the Sakura tree where Tadashi sat. Tadashi didn't mind though, the silence was peaceful. 

Until one winter day, Tadashi sat by the large Sakura tree. The feeling of the the tree against the fresh bruises on his back hurt, but he learned to endure pain. 

The night before, he had dropped a plate and it shattered. His mother was so angry. Tadashi had found himself being more scared of his mother than he had in awhile. 

_Maybe she had a tough day at work,_ he thought as warm tears streamed down his face, hugging a stuffed animal that his father had sent him not too long ago. Tadashi always found himself making up excuses for his mothers behavior, but deep down he knew she was very sick.

It was especially cold that day, winter was on it's way. Tadashi's finger tips started to go numb as he flipped each page of his book (he would only notice when he was finished with the book though).

Suddenly, violent footsteps came marching towards him and Tadashi refused to look up. He knew who they belonged to, it was just a waste of time analyzing anything. He prepared for the worst, the annoying, yet refreshing nagging he had experienced just a few weeks ago. 

Except there was none. 

The footsteps got closer and closer and Tadashi heard them come to a halt beside him. 

Then a thud. 

He slowly but surely looked up from where his eyes were focusing on the book he was engulfed in and turned to his side. 

There sat Akari with her arms rapped around her knees and her chin placed right on top.

She looked very upset.

Tadashi really didn't want to ask what was wrong, so he didn't. That would just encourage her to talk, and that would be even worse.

So they sat there in odd but comforting silence, for ten minutes. There was still a good thirty minutes left in recess.

"Do you think I'm ugly?" Akari asked all of a sudden. Yamaguchi was caught off guard and if he wasn't prepared for Akari to start a conversation, he wouldn't have caught the quick sentence.

Akari was _light years_ away from ugly. She had long brown hair and curtain bangs that swooped to the side of her face. Her nose was skinny and small and she had a very bright smile.

But Tadashi had not managed to catch something that would have been quite eye catching to anyone else. Akari had Heterochromia (An eye condition in which both eyes are not the same color). Her left eye was dark brown and her right eye was an interesting shade of gray.

Tadashi thought it was amazing.

So he couldn't _imagine_ anyone calling her ugly.

Tadashi wanted to put that into words, but he just couldn't quite find the ones that explained that Akari was ugly. 

He simply shook his head, hoping that Akari wouldn't be too offended that he hadn't said any words of wisdom towards her.

Hopefully by now she realized that the freckled boy wasn't much of a talker. 

"Okay." Akari said quietly. She sounded unsure and unconvinced and Tadashi wanted to ask her why. 

How do you do that without actually speaking?

But of course, Tadashi's curiosity got the best (worst?) of him.

"Why..." Tadashi said, closing his book and resting it in his lap. "Why would you ask that?" 

Way to go charmer.

He hadn't meant for it to sound mean or hostile, again he hoped Akari didn't take offence. Hopefully she would understand.

She did, sort of.

"Well I was walking with some of _these people_ ," Akari emphasized on 'these people'. Clearly they used to be her friends. "And they were talking about Kageyama-kun in class two and some of them were saying what kind of girl he would like to date out of the five of us. One particular person had said I was the least likely because I was a 'halfie'. What does that even mean?" Akari sounded way more upset than she was before.

Tadashi had heard people talking about how Akari's mother was American and how her father was Japanese. He hadn't thought it mattered much but obviously people thought otherwise.

They could mean that or the fact that Akari had a different color eye. Either way it was no reason for anyone to get bitter about. If anything Tadashi thought they were just jealous that Akari was so pretty.

He knew if he was a girl he would be.

But Akari didn't seem like the type of person to really care about that type of stuff. She was upbeat and always looked happy. 

Tadashi was not one to hide something from someone else, especially when they asked so upfront. So he told her the truth:

"It means that your parents are two different races. But just in little bit of meaner way." Tadashi explained and he could practically hear Akari's heart break from where she sat.

"You know Tsuru? The girl from class 5?" She mentioned.

He did in fact know Tsuru. 

Tsuru was annoying, to say the least. Or maybe Tadashi found different things annoying, who knows?

Tsuru always asked for a pencil from Tadashi during math period, even though she already had one laying flat on her desk. Still he would give her one in an attempt to make her leave him alone. She would throw him notes, and she would smile at him in the halls. 

But Tsuru was two faced. She was rude to others who did the absolute bare minimum to her and she was extra. When Tadashi had first met Akari he noticed she would hang around Tsuru a lot. They seemed to be friends. He didn't really care though. Who was he to judge who someone was friends with?

Tsuru was pretty and she had short light brown hair. She was like a slightly less pretty version of Akari, just lacking in personality. She was friends with the prettiest girls in their grade so really it made sense for Akari to hang around Tsuru. Akari was like her right hand man. They must've been best friends.

Yamaguchi nodded and Akari clenched her fist into the grass.

"She has a big fat, annoying, overwhelming, overbearing, stupid, little crush on you. She likes _every_ boy but apparently you take the _fucking_ cake for her." Akari announced through clenched teeth. Tadashi flinched at the words that she used. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything to begin with. He sort of knew she had a crush on him, it was quite obvious. Tadashi just chose to ignore it and go on with his days.

"And to top it off she wont stop talking about you. About how you gave her your pencil in math and touched her hand and gazed into her eyes. I doubt you did that though. You don't seem like the type to be into anyone, let alone Tsuru." She was right. Tadashi barely even looked at Tsuru let alone did all that mushy gushy K-drama shit. 

Still, he didn't understand Akari's frustration. It must have been hard hearing all about one person half the time but what really was her deal? Since Tadashi barely engaged in any sort of conversation, he got pretty good at realizing others true emotions and intentions. 

He always knew when his mother was about to hit him, even when she herself hadn't decide on it.

"But..." Akari sighed and when Tadashi looked back at her he saw that tears were threatening to fall down her face. 

She was going to cry, so he was going to let her. 

He wasn't going to say anything, he was just going to let her cry. 

Tadashi knew that sometimes it was good to cry. He never had the opportunity to yell out his frustration and anger, so crying silently until his sheets were soaked in his own tears always made him feel better. 

Maybe Akari just needed to cry until her nose was blocked and have no one say anything about it. 

"Even though she's mean, even though she is so in love with you who isn't even _interested_ in her at all," Akari let out a gut wrenching sob. No one was around this area of the field, all the other children were playing out on the play ground. 

"I still find a way to like her so much." Akari whimpered out. 

Sixth grade Tadashi had realized that the girl who sat right beside her was really fighting her own battle. 

Akari, the upbeat, gorgeous sixth grader who sat beside him under the Sakura tree was in love with her best friend.

Still he felt sorry for the girl. Akari could have been someone who could win another over with her looks easily. But the one person she really wanted was slightly out of her reach. Tadashi didn't know how bad that must've hurt.

So he grew just a tiny ounce of respect for Akari.

"She's so pretty and even though she won't ever see me that way, I still dream about being in her embrace at night and her own skin on mine. Am I crazy?" Akari sobbed, tears we now streaming down her face. Tadashi can tell that she has been holding her tears in for a long time.

"No. I don't think your crazy, Nakano-san. I guess everyone has something that they know will never be theirs. But it is always good to dream. If one doesn't dream, then their path might always be dark." Tadashi says out of the blue. Akari was surprised he even said anything, _Tadashi_ was surprised he even said anything.

Akari let out a dry laugh and wiped the tears that were quickly falling down her face. 

"Maybe. You don't think it's weird though? That I like girls instead of boys?" She asks with a hint of fear in her voice.

Tadashi scrunches his eyebrows and starts to fiddle with his fingers.

"I think the whole idea of there being a status quo for liking a specific gender is dumb. Would it be so weird for someone to come out to their family and say that their straight? Why is straight the default for every human being? It just doesn't make a lot of sense to me." Tadashi huffs and Akari lets out a _real_ laugh.

"Yeah, you're right." She agrees nodding her head.

This was the first time that Tadashi had actually found himself not being bothered by someone's presence. 

Tadashi had always thought that getting close to people was a waste of time and they would only disappoint you. But maybe Akari was too much like Tadashi to be able to disappoint him. 

Maybe just one person wouldn't hurt.

If he could just let one person in it wouldn't be so terrible.

A very small but visible smile crept up onto Tadashi's face and they sat in silence for the rest of recess.

* * *

Yamaguchi went to sleep that night just a little better.

Akari went to sleep knowing that she had at least one genuine person by her side. 

**Author's Note:**

> i just woke up and felt like i should break hearts idk.
> 
> edit: djshvejj i posted on chapter of this and it got 100 hits??? this was supposed to be a dump where i posted it and dipped (supposedly to focus on my other story which is currently doing better than i thought). ong i will get to this sometime this weekend because i just finished the plot. this edit is on march 11 2021 so please quote me on this shit but do not @ me lmaooo <3 remember to try and not die before i update.


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